My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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Morning sex: proven to be more effective than coffee.
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Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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I'm not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish the next chapter.
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Don't worry about people who don't worry about you.
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We'll be friends until we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends.
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Pile up enough tomorrows and you'll end up with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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Never try to destroy someone else's life with a lie when yours can be destroyed with the truth.
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Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Tact carries a bunch of curiously-fashioned keys, that open all kinds of doors.
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The British Harbinger, April 1, 1870
Sincerity is not to say everything you think but to mean everything you say.
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Adventures are for the adventurous.
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A liberal is a socialist with a wife and two children.
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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INSOMNIA = 1:51 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:52 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:53 A.M. + ETERNITY
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He who dies with the most toys wins.
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Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
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